I have no idea what went wrong!
Advice by Dan Kois
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column.Have a question for Care and Feeding?Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I moved to an East Coast suburb about six years ago from a large city. About two years ago, my husband and I became close to another family—let’s call them Amy and Gary. They are outgoing and popular in the community, and our children loved playing with their kids, who are similar ages. We celebrated our birthdays and other big events and even went on a family vacation together. They would introduce us to other friends in their circle as their “best friends.”
After the vacation, I started to notice that it was always us initiating our get-togethers with Amy and Gary. My husband would reach out to Gary and get one-word responses, or none at all. Over time, they stopped inviting us to join events and declined our invitations as well …
Whenever we see them around town, they are super friendly and talkative as if we’re still close. In fact, people assume we are still great friends because in public they act as if nothing has changed.
My husband has said that things just fizzled out, and he’s fine not knowing what happened. I’ve been suffering a lot of anxiety, worrying that there’s something we did to make them pull away. I keep thinking about that joint family vacation—it really seemed as if we all had a good time, and there were no arguments or conflicts that I saw. I also miss being close with Amy, plus the community that came from being part of their circle.
I see Amy at school drop-off almost every day, and I feel that this will continue to weigh on me. Our children still call each other “best friends” and will be going to school together through high school, which means we’re going to continue to see them around all the time. Should I follow my husband’s lead and just assume that this wasn’t meant to be? Or should I try to have a conversation with Amy to see what happened? I don’t want to come across as desperate, asking why she’s not my friend anymore. It feels juvenile, but I’m just trying to get clarity.
—Unexpectedly Unfriended
Dear Unfriended,
Oh, man, I feel you. Making friends as an adult in a new community is such a torment. You think you’re a grown-ass person, then all of a sudden you’re subject to all the anxiety and heartache of a middle schooler. When we moved from our big city to our East Coast suburb, it took us years to find our actual friends—and those years included getting ghosted a lot by people we thought were hot prospects, including, yes, one family who accompanied us for what we thought was a delightful, fun joint vacation but which turned out to be the last thing we ever did together. I’m getting hives just remembering it!
No good can come of asking Amy what happened to your friendship. You’re not going to change her mind about being your friend by asking what you did wrong. You’ll absolutely feel like you’re acting desperate. The only result of this conversation that would make you feel better—Amy apologizing for how she’s made you feel, then renewing your friendship—is not going to happen. And you’ll come out of the conversation as frustrated and hurt as you are now—if not more so.
So swallow your annoyance and accept that, at least right now, you two are not going to be best friends with Amy and Gary and you are not going to know why it’s turning out that way. Continue being friendly at drop-off. When you communicate about playdates or birthdays, play it cool. Maybe in a year or three or five, you’ll find that you’ve been drawn back together, and that will be fine.
In the meantime, try to connect with some people who are not part of the greater Amy-Gary friendplex. Broaden your circle. Your friends do not have to be the parents of your children’s friends! Indeed, often it’s easier if they’re not. Sign up for a social sports league, or seek out parents on your block, or invite the new family in town over for a drink. Cast a wide net. Are you condemning yourself, by doing so, to many false starts and disappointments and hurt feelings and people whom you had a great time with never, ever reciprocating your invitation? Yes. It sucks. But that’s what you have to do.
—Dan
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